high school

i've always loved school for as long i can remember, but now almost half done with high school, i can honestly say that high school is not going to be the best years of my life. i don't really see the point of it anymore. i'd rather be home schooled right now. i don't have many friends in comparison to the end of eighth grade and the beginning of freshman year, and the people that i really adore are all seniors soon to graduate. it's a hard knock life. i just want to get over the four year arc of high school. i'm not happy there anymore. i'm not happy in a place where i used to stay after school for hours because i felt so happy there. something is obviously wrong with the school system for doing that to a mental state of someone, especially when i'm one amongst thousands of other children/students who believe the same thing and feel the same things i just described. i have more than enough energy to learn; i've just ran out of energy to go to school for the learning. 

long time no entry

hello friends, wipe your tears for i am back. i guess this will be a little personal post, but only because i really don't know how to say to someone and typing is much easier, and much quicker. three years ago i was diagnosed with depression and a year ago i was diagnosed with ocd and adhd. the problem with this is that it has messed up my future. not like, "oh no i am depressed, no one will ever love me" but more surreal, like "oh no because i was depressed for the majority of middle school, i got bad grades because i didn't have energy to study. now in high school, still depressed, i just can't study because i never taught myself how." bad grades and all, it really fucked me up. i fucked myself up. talk about gross way or masturbating. anyways, because of this, i know for sure that i will not get into a proper college for my major and i will not get the proper education i need. i really do want to succeed. i'm more successful at planning my future though, than actually attaining any goals towards it. it's a hard knock life. and depressions and ocd and adhd and all of these problems haven't only messed up my academic life, but also my social life. sometimes i just shut people out. i'm not one to hold grudges when i get mad at people, but when i get mad at myself, i punish myself, i hold grudges against myself, and it ends with me punishing myself by not allowing myself to have fun at parties, or even something so simple as holding a conversation with a boy that i may just want to kiss. it's tiring. genuinely, incompletely, tiring.