high school

i've always loved school for as long i can remember, but now almost half done with high school, i can honestly say that high school is not going to be the best years of my life. i don't really see the point of it anymore. i'd rather be home schooled right now. i don't have many friends in comparison to the end of eighth grade and the beginning of freshman year, and the people that i really adore are all seniors soon to graduate. it's a hard knock life. i just want to get over the four year arc of high school. i'm not happy there anymore. i'm not happy in a place where i used to stay after school for hours because i felt so happy there. something is obviously wrong with the school system for doing that to a mental state of someone, especially when i'm one amongst thousands of other children/students who believe the same thing and feel the same things i just described. i have more than enough energy to learn; i've just ran out of energy to go to school for the learning. 

long time no entry

hello friends, wipe your tears for i am back. i guess this will be a little personal post, but only because i really don't know how to say to someone and typing is much easier, and much quicker. three years ago i was diagnosed with depression and a year ago i was diagnosed with ocd and adhd. the problem with this is that it has messed up my future. not like, "oh no i am depressed, no one will ever love me" but more surreal, like "oh no because i was depressed for the majority of middle school, i got bad grades because i didn't have energy to study. now in high school, still depressed, i just can't study because i never taught myself how." bad grades and all, it really fucked me up. i fucked myself up. talk about gross way or masturbating. anyways, because of this, i know for sure that i will not get into a proper college for my major and i will not get the proper education i need. i really do want to succeed. i'm more successful at planning my future though, than actually attaining any goals towards it. it's a hard knock life. and depressions and ocd and adhd and all of these problems haven't only messed up my academic life, but also my social life. sometimes i just shut people out. i'm not one to hold grudges when i get mad at people, but when i get mad at myself, i punish myself, i hold grudges against myself, and it ends with me punishing myself by not allowing myself to have fun at parties, or even something so simple as holding a conversation with a boy that i may just want to kiss. it's tiring. genuinely, incompletely, tiring. 

music

music makes me so happy. it's really strange to fathom how many genres of music there are in the world, and how it brings out emotions that people may not have felt before. looking back, i think overall, i really like rock. i never really liked pop, except really corny pop that's actually horrible, but you kind of feel bad about how bad it is, so you like it. ergo, my like for captain and tenille. i remember the first time i cried listening to a song, and it was actually only a year ago, when i was kind of melancholy, and i found a song called "i have never loved someone" by my brightest diamond. the song is about a mother, the lead singer, and how much she loves her son, and how she will always love him. it's honestly just the loveliest song i've ever heard, because one day, i'd like to feel that way towards everyone. i played that song on repeat for almost the whole night, and i just felt so sad because people didn't feel loved like the song explained. to be loved for anything you do must be absolutely sublime, and hopefully i can make someone feel that way. but what's truly amazing is that all music, all the lyrics, are poems, stories, and a little secret, or a little lie, or a little truth. add the words to a measure, with a specific time, with specific notes, and you have a song. you have a melody. it's incredible. honestly, music is amazing. i've always been fond of poetry and literature, and if you think about it, you may know a whole poem by heart because of the song. in eighth grade when i was studying ancient greek and roman history, i used to make up songs to remember the study material. i believe i made a song about rome during the reign of nero in the tune of diane renay's "navy blue". i'm pretty proud of that hahaha. anyways, i'll link the song incase you want to know/try to understand what i was writing about. my brightest diamond: i have never loved someone

"i have never loved someone the way i love you.

i have never seen a smile like yours

and if you grow up to be king or clown or pauper,

i will say you are my favorite one in town...

you're okay...

and if the breeze won't blow your way, i will be the sun

and if the sun won't shine your way, i will be the rain

and if the rain won't wash away all your aches and pain

i will find some other way to tell you you're okay

you're okay"

friends or friends one used to have

i have realized in the past few months that i don't have many friends. it may sound petulant writing about this, but to be honest, i don't mind it at all. one of the reasons i decided not to have a sweet sixteen is the fact that i really didn't know sixteen people that i would give a special commemorative candle to, and even people to invite in general. i remember one birthday party i had when i was younger, the guests were a majority of my mom's friends because i liked them better than my school mates. back to my original reason for writing this, is that i'm okay with how my friendships are for the most part. there are a few friendships that i would like to end or patch up, but the friends i have that are secure as my friends and vice versa, are really lovely to have around. i just don't believe that people should settle their whole life. whether in love, friendship, or in their job. settling is depressing to be honest. i don't want to be a pushover anymore, nor do i want to be pushed around with anything anymore. i love being nice people, but when people are mean to me, i can't take it. it makes me so sad. so why do i still surround myself with those people? who knows. i for sure don't. hopefully by the end of the school year i'll know where i stand with all of my friends. at least i don't have boyfriend problems due to the fact that i don't have a boyfriend *ba dum tss*

hello, nice to meet you

hi, my name is nadia. i live in new jersey, and i hope to travel the world some day. i was thinking about this earlier, and i don't want to go to college in new jersey when i get older, and actually be able to choose what colleges/universities i want to go to. even if it's one or two states away from new jersey, at least i won't be stuck in one place. i don't think i'll go crazy with my dreams and end up in washington or california, but probably somewhere in new england, or hopefully, washington d.c. i've been enamored with college board recently, and it's all i've been spending a good part of my free time on. i'm pretty sure this is the last time i'll switch potential vocations, but right now, and hopefully it'll be the same when i go to college, is developmental and child psychology. as long as i can remember, i've always wanted to work with children, except the three jobs that are exempt. i used to want to be a journalist until i realized i cannot write for my life, an actress for a short lived month, before i realized how bad my stage fright is, and then a business woman, but i just wanted to have a business without the business school. on college board, it said that courses that are recommended for high school students to take is statistics, but my school only provides ap statistics, and i have to have a b average in my math class as my final grade to be able to take it. i'm doing quite well in math this year, which i'm very proud of to be honest, so hopefully i can keep it up!! it's so strange to think that when i was younger i just kind of decided what my life would be life, without realizing how it get to be that certain way. i want to go to college. okay, but what college? what state? how you will commute? what's your major? i never really realized it until high school. and now, instead of planning my life, i actually have to plan the steps to get there, which is pretty fun to be honest, but also incredibly unnerving and disconcerting. best luck to me. i think i've romanticized college at this point, but i truly hope it's as great as i've made it up to be. i just want to start a new chapter of my life, with new people, new choices, and new possibilities.